2022: A glimpse of neutral overthinking

i dont have a certain thing to write about, today. just a journal, or a aconversation or say, confession.

I'll turn 15 in few weeks, and in this last year I came across a lot of stuff, good and bad, right and wrong and so on. i hate so much when my sister screams, i still do. but apart from that, i learnt perhaps many things. whenever i try to do something, to speak about something, I think, and i think and at certain point, I even started concerning about any random person as much as I do to my loved one, because the thought bothers me if they're going to be alright or not or even if they have someone to look after their 'emotions' this leads me to think about everyone that way.

Even my teachers! While they're explaining the laws of motion or maybe the Euclid's Geometry, the only thought circulates in my mind is, if they too suffer the same problem, the same lovesickness and the same emptiness. I see people around, my friends, my seniors, and i wonder if at least anyone of them is emotionally satisfied, what they're childhood and teenage must've been?

I think about the people i think who hate me, if they're loving their life. I love people doing absurd things or stupid things, or i mean people who make mistakes and don't apologize unless until it's a reason for hurt to another. It's hard. I know and i accept the fact that I'm not going to receive love, affection, support from everyone but its ok, i get attached to people so fast because despite them, talking or not, i keep checking in on them, making sure if they're good or not, I'm tired of people being hurt.

I end up creating a strong bond between them and me, and then, one day, my eyes are being opened and i realize,

"Man, this person just never know how much he / she meant to me!" i have some special relationships with certain people but not every time, i'm going to be appreciated. last year, this was my biggest lesson. the reason why i could be doing this, could be as a coping mechanism, to gain the same emotions as i'm giving them. the emotions of understanding, loving, and "being felt"

i tend to be different infront of others, as many people but i constantly look everywhere if anyone will ever check in on me too. like last time i was thinking, i was so deepened in the thoughts that i didn't even realize anybody's arrival or departure, and an old man passed by, he was like "Don't think much, you still have a lot of life unlived" i mean, do people around me even know that i exist?

This is absurd!

I have this habit of matching my idols / celebs with non-fictional people and so if a certain person is like james bond to me, i will be misinterpreting his own habits as james' and if he screws up someday or leaves, would james bond any longer be my favorite celeb? lol no. idk if people like you does this absurdity because I do. plus, i represent myself as an 'impossible' or 'hard' person to recieve nourishment, maybe, its not as complexed as im telling, but with time it either heals, or kills.

this gets so chaotic, you know? anyway, I hope COVID and his ancestor no longer interrupt my school routine.

happy new year though!!

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